If these characteristics describe your child, it is time to start bringing him back into the emotional world of other people. Several things don't work:
- yelling, insisting, pleading, or appealing to his better nature,
- trying to be a motivational coach, and
- trying to guess what he is thinking by filling in his silences with your own words.
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| Passive Resistance Definition Kids |
As stated, some of these children and young people are very bright and highly sensitive. Some of them also have strong moral values. One strategy parents often tell me works is to increase their responsibilities.
There is a time in many children's lives when they would prefer to "grow down" rather than grow up. At this time, both boys and girls will go back and play with toys that they have not played with for years. This can be anxiety-provoking for parents, who may worry that their child has been traumatized. Generally, of course, this is not the case. Instead, their child is re-capturing his childhood memories through this form of play.
The behavior of many Passive Resisters is an amplification of this tendency. They retreat to a world of privacy. The temptation with them is to try to cajole, persuade, or entice them out of this state. This rarely works.
Set out to give yourself several months of relationship building. During this time, try to remain calm. Speak to them directly and look them in the eye at the same time. Don't take Vague shrugs as an answer - "Dunno" is not a word you will understand. Decrease pressure and increase presence. Make it very clear to them that it is not an option to avoid some family interactions.
Passive Resisters are often good at caring for pets and younger children. Look for opportunities where they can build their confidence and competence by caring for others.
Mrs. Chin's daughter retired to her bedroom. "It was like she was on strike," said Mrs. Chin. "At first we let it go. She said she was tired, had a lot of homework. I was worried she might be stressed or depressed. She didn't seem her usual self, but told me not to worry. Finally I got angry, and told her she must come down for dinner She wouldn't. One night I lost it. I said if she won't come down for dinner, we'll all go up. The family ate every evening meal for three weeks in her bedroom. After a while we stopped taking the plates back to the kitchen afterwards. Eventually she gave in. At least now we get to see her at meal times. I'm now working on having her talk at meal time!"
Yikes - my kid is all of the above!
If you think your child can wield the influence of a Henry Kissinger, be as cheeky as Bart Simpson, dispute a point with the aplomb of Margaret Thatcher, show the competitiveness of Winston Churchill with a blast of Dare Devil combined with a smidgin of Gandhi's passive resistance - don't despair. Initially, many bright kids appear to be a bit of everything.
These ways of behaving are things all children engage in to some extent. Any child can do the odd Angelica or the occasional Bart. The risk for bright kids is that they can lock into a routine that is not really helpful to them.
Parents often report that it takes a bit of time to properly learn their child's style. They then use this knowledge to form a relationship that helps their child to broaden out as a person and to have more choices about ways of relating.
In the end, accurately identifying your child's type is not as important as starting to think in new ways about helping her to play to her strengths. Be prepared to experiment for a while. To find out more, you can check out Passive Resistance Definition Kids.